So on March 3rd, I was unhappy and annoyed and unsure and in need of hugs.
Now, I have a plan, a path new huggerific friends, and I'm happier than the sun in the sky, a.k.a. things are good and will stay that way to the end.
I love being happy, makes me wanna dance!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Body/Consciousness
I've never really been one to fret about my physique. I've always been pretty athletic, trim if not thin and filled out in places that I loved, but recently my body has put me at war with myself.
First things first: I HATE MY BREASTS
Never have they ever been too much of a problem for me. I mean yes, they are large, yes it hurts sometimes when I'm running or jumping or standing up straight for too long but all in all, I've liked them. They added a nice curve away from my former narrow waist and accentuated the curve of my shoulders nicely, the protrusion of my collar bones, but now, they're just an inconvenience, troublesome. Why, you might ask? Because they are objects of constant and intense scrutiny here. Yes, I understand that most women here don't have them but that does not give you license to stare and contrary to what some may say they are not constantly on display. I mean I do have boob days to give the ladies some air, but honestly if I'm wearing a long sleeved, high collared sweater, what the hell are you looking at?
Second: I can't stop eating yummy food, consequently my stomach is turning into a balloon, a.k.a. I look 2 months pregnant
Now, I know that since my youth, we're talking pre-boarding school days I haven't been at the top of my health or the height of my trimness, even so, I enjoyed the extra 20 or so pounds I gained those last two years of high school. I even learned to adjust to the 15 or so I put on that first year in college, but here in Macau my body seems to be mocking me by growing in size so slowly I can barely tell where it's going. Basically, I'm getting fat, but thanks to yoga it's like stretched out. I don't know if any of ya'll have ever read "On Beauty" by Zadie Smith, but I feel like Kiki Belsey all rounded out but flexible, soft, supple and in need of a diet and exercise plan. I keep trying honestly I do. I was running there for a month and it was under control but then my sports bra got stretched out and it hurt to run, yoga was working for awhile too because I would go early and get on the treadmill or the elliptical but they don't have my early morning classes anymore and I don't like running outside where there's lots of people or when they can see me because I'm ashamed I've gotten this large, thought I was through after London.
Alright, enough with the melodramatic stuff, really though, I need a workout buddy or something or a way not to be tempted by all the deliciousness wafting out of the bakeries on my street (bread is my enemy) and those tempting pictures of sweet and sour this and fried beef that. There are no salads here, or none close enough to me so I'll just have to make due and buy a new sports bra and take the rest of my time here to slough off what I've gained, it'll be something to keep my mind occupied, pull me away from thoughts of jobs and next fall, something to focus on. Yeah.
My body and I will be reconciled and I'll love it again, soon.
First things first: I HATE MY BREASTS
Never have they ever been too much of a problem for me. I mean yes, they are large, yes it hurts sometimes when I'm running or jumping or standing up straight for too long but all in all, I've liked them. They added a nice curve away from my former narrow waist and accentuated the curve of my shoulders nicely, the protrusion of my collar bones, but now, they're just an inconvenience, troublesome. Why, you might ask? Because they are objects of constant and intense scrutiny here. Yes, I understand that most women here don't have them but that does not give you license to stare and contrary to what some may say they are not constantly on display. I mean I do have boob days to give the ladies some air, but honestly if I'm wearing a long sleeved, high collared sweater, what the hell are you looking at?
Second: I can't stop eating yummy food, consequently my stomach is turning into a balloon, a.k.a. I look 2 months pregnant
Now, I know that since my youth, we're talking pre-boarding school days I haven't been at the top of my health or the height of my trimness, even so, I enjoyed the extra 20 or so pounds I gained those last two years of high school. I even learned to adjust to the 15 or so I put on that first year in college, but here in Macau my body seems to be mocking me by growing in size so slowly I can barely tell where it's going. Basically, I'm getting fat, but thanks to yoga it's like stretched out. I don't know if any of ya'll have ever read "On Beauty" by Zadie Smith, but I feel like Kiki Belsey all rounded out but flexible, soft, supple and in need of a diet and exercise plan. I keep trying honestly I do. I was running there for a month and it was under control but then my sports bra got stretched out and it hurt to run, yoga was working for awhile too because I would go early and get on the treadmill or the elliptical but they don't have my early morning classes anymore and I don't like running outside where there's lots of people or when they can see me because I'm ashamed I've gotten this large, thought I was through after London.
Alright, enough with the melodramatic stuff, really though, I need a workout buddy or something or a way not to be tempted by all the deliciousness wafting out of the bakeries on my street (bread is my enemy) and those tempting pictures of sweet and sour this and fried beef that. There are no salads here, or none close enough to me so I'll just have to make due and buy a new sports bra and take the rest of my time here to slough off what I've gained, it'll be something to keep my mind occupied, pull me away from thoughts of jobs and next fall, something to focus on. Yeah.
My body and I will be reconciled and I'll love it again, soon.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Halfway point
So in an effort to let all this agitation go, I'm gonna write it out.
I remember when Doug told us that around February/March Sophie and David got antsy, Sophie more than David cuz' she hadn't left, didn't get to recuperate, see her family/friends, whatever.
It's like the halfway point when you're almost done, but not quite,
still don't know what's happening next
miss people so bad it hurts
want a hug that I don't have to ask for
you know that feeling....
Anyways, that's how I feel, now, but I know it'll get better and I'll work at it so it does b/c I promised myself before getting into this that I wouldn't let this place get to me, wouldn't let it make me hateful, not towards myself, or the wonderful people I met here, or my roomie, or anyone else who tends to get the flak when I'm feeling bad...so I'm gonna work it out, and I do feel better now, Now that it's on paper, or electronic paper or whatever. and Nissa was right, I need to sing more and write in my journal more and go to church.
This is the month of my birth, it's the perfect time for change
I remember when Doug told us that around February/March Sophie and David got antsy, Sophie more than David cuz' she hadn't left, didn't get to recuperate, see her family/friends, whatever.
It's like the halfway point when you're almost done, but not quite,
still don't know what's happening next
miss people so bad it hurts
want a hug that I don't have to ask for
you know that feeling....
Anyways, that's how I feel, now, but I know it'll get better and I'll work at it so it does b/c I promised myself before getting into this that I wouldn't let this place get to me, wouldn't let it make me hateful, not towards myself, or the wonderful people I met here, or my roomie, or anyone else who tends to get the flak when I'm feeling bad...so I'm gonna work it out, and I do feel better now, Now that it's on paper, or electronic paper or whatever. and Nissa was right, I need to sing more and write in my journal more and go to church.
This is the month of my birth, it's the perfect time for change
Thursday, January 31, 2008
I think I've got a plan
So I'm anxious and leaving for Thailand and Cambodia in two days and I still have no idea about the future, but I've sent e-mails and gotten replies and I'm going to apply to four internships in the states and if I get it I do and if I don't I don't and there's always, bumming around my parents new place findng some random job in a coffee shop or splurging whatever is left of my pathetic salary here and traveling round till I find a new place to call home and I'm realizing everything doesn't have to be planned and I don't really have to know what I'm doing or where it's headed and I love theatre more than chinese and I can learn a language anywhere and I just want to be content, to be happy and doing theatre will do that and teaching won't and I'm going to be satisfied with that choice and not worry about what my friends think or my parents think or whether or not I'm capable of going far and just focus on trying harder and growing and changing and getting better with age, like cheese.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The day after the first day of school
I don't know whether to be excited or worried. My schedule this semester is pretty lame, I have two less classes than last semester which means more free time, but as usual, the school has done it's best to sabotage that. My schedule has me working once on Monday at 3 and then I don't have to teach again until Wednesday at 11 AM. This means I have Tuesday off and nothing to do but go to yoga, wander around this tiny island and watch the L World online, yes I know, my life is boring.
I was trying to think of ways to utilize this free time, like on Thursday's and Friday's when I have two hour gaps between my classes, or Wednesday's with a whopping four hour gap, the other class is at 5 PM. I have no friends that aren't teachers or working in prison, poor Candy so I can't go on lunch dates, I'm not a real fan of long walks when they're not with someone else but I guess I could get a lot of reading done wandering around the trails across from the school or buckling down and learning some more characters or may be if I'm really ambitious and hard-working I could figure out what the hell to do next year, look into more theatres, e-mail contacts, APPLY for internships. I mean it wouldn't hurt would it?
Who knows? Maybe I'll just take really long naps and hate life, but like I said at the beginning I'm going to optimistic this year, and I can't let that drag now. I know...I'll finally write that class letter I've been planning to write since ooooh December....let's see what I actually....oh man, this is just bad
I was trying to think of ways to utilize this free time, like on Thursday's and Friday's when I have two hour gaps between my classes, or Wednesday's with a whopping four hour gap, the other class is at 5 PM. I have no friends that aren't teachers or working in prison, poor Candy so I can't go on lunch dates, I'm not a real fan of long walks when they're not with someone else but I guess I could get a lot of reading done wandering around the trails across from the school or buckling down and learning some more characters or may be if I'm really ambitious and hard-working I could figure out what the hell to do next year, look into more theatres, e-mail contacts, APPLY for internships. I mean it wouldn't hurt would it?
Who knows? Maybe I'll just take really long naps and hate life, but like I said at the beginning I'm going to optimistic this year, and I can't let that drag now. I know...I'll finally write that class letter I've been planning to write since ooooh December....let's see what I actually....oh man, this is just bad
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
It was the best of days, it was the worst of days
Man, on man my students do fry me! Tuesdays are the best and worse days and I'm glad that will soon (hopefully) be over.
My level one class, as always, excited, motivated and ready to listen and learn. The DVD player remote was missing so instead of interactive semi-boredom, we had a discussion about advertising and casinos. These students are so smart and it's so pleasurable coaxing them to think a little more deeply and so gratifying when they do. It's also a bit terrifying to realize how much globalization has invaded their lives in forms I hadn't thought of.
Take the casinos for instance, what we spoke of today, basically giant malls with the added bonus of possibly winning free cash, I mean really, what else would greedy, desperate people want? But not just them. As I illustrated for my class, there's a wealth of things to do in a casino aside from gamble, you can shop, you can eat, you can watch Beyonce or the Black Eyed Peas' latest concert, go to the bathroom, get free drinks or complementary cake, whatever your whim. They have something for everyone lure them in, create a desire, distract them and then why not throw in a coin or to and try your luck...why not indeed?
It kills me how elated they make me feel, how satisfied and alive with teaching, more motivated to do more for them, find other ways of reaching outside our shitty curriculum and actually teaching them useful things and then I get to my Level 3's.
Without fail they manage to nettle and annoy me until I'm in a rage. The problem today: they have a week before their final exam research projects are do, I've done everything imaginable to help them figure out projects, how to structure their reports etc. and about 95% of the class hasn't decided on projects yet.
It started out promising. They were attentive, even asked questions for how their oral presentation should be structured, what they were required to put in and what exactly a pie chart depicted, but as soon as I asked them for their ideas a hush fell over the class.
FOUR students, FOUR had project topics that they'd already told me about and were well on their way to finishing their research, the rest, and this class has 34 students had not. The next hour and forty-five minutes managed to grate every nerve in my body. I had one students not once but five times give me bullshit project topics so he could leave like those who actually had coherent viable ideas. I don't know what to do.
It's so hard not to get discouraged by this continual blatant disinterest. I mean, yes, some students towards they end, for whatever reason, decided to start trying, stop chatting or falling asleep and are actually work on this but there are still those who don't and will not care. What am I supposed to do? Am I justified in failing them, because they definitely do not deserve to pass or will that change anything? I mean really, this is their last Oral English class, are they going to do anything next semester if they have to retake it?
what to do, what to do. thankfully, I got a package today full of wonderful memories and twizzlers, thanks Neha and I had a phenomenal run with really great music, check out run2rhythm.com so I feel better, but damn will I be glad when I'm done with this class, one more week...
My level one class, as always, excited, motivated and ready to listen and learn. The DVD player remote was missing so instead of interactive semi-boredom, we had a discussion about advertising and casinos. These students are so smart and it's so pleasurable coaxing them to think a little more deeply and so gratifying when they do. It's also a bit terrifying to realize how much globalization has invaded their lives in forms I hadn't thought of.
Take the casinos for instance, what we spoke of today, basically giant malls with the added bonus of possibly winning free cash, I mean really, what else would greedy, desperate people want? But not just them. As I illustrated for my class, there's a wealth of things to do in a casino aside from gamble, you can shop, you can eat, you can watch Beyonce or the Black Eyed Peas' latest concert, go to the bathroom, get free drinks or complementary cake, whatever your whim. They have something for everyone lure them in, create a desire, distract them and then why not throw in a coin or to and try your luck...why not indeed?
It kills me how elated they make me feel, how satisfied and alive with teaching, more motivated to do more for them, find other ways of reaching outside our shitty curriculum and actually teaching them useful things and then I get to my Level 3's.
Without fail they manage to nettle and annoy me until I'm in a rage. The problem today: they have a week before their final exam research projects are do, I've done everything imaginable to help them figure out projects, how to structure their reports etc. and about 95% of the class hasn't decided on projects yet.
It started out promising. They were attentive, even asked questions for how their oral presentation should be structured, what they were required to put in and what exactly a pie chart depicted, but as soon as I asked them for their ideas a hush fell over the class.
FOUR students, FOUR had project topics that they'd already told me about and were well on their way to finishing their research, the rest, and this class has 34 students had not. The next hour and forty-five minutes managed to grate every nerve in my body. I had one students not once but five times give me bullshit project topics so he could leave like those who actually had coherent viable ideas. I don't know what to do.
It's so hard not to get discouraged by this continual blatant disinterest. I mean, yes, some students towards they end, for whatever reason, decided to start trying, stop chatting or falling asleep and are actually work on this but there are still those who don't and will not care. What am I supposed to do? Am I justified in failing them, because they definitely do not deserve to pass or will that change anything? I mean really, this is their last Oral English class, are they going to do anything next semester if they have to retake it?
what to do, what to do. thankfully, I got a package today full of wonderful memories and twizzlers, thanks Neha and I had a phenomenal run with really great music, check out run2rhythm.com so I feel better, but damn will I be glad when I'm done with this class, one more week...
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Racial Conflagration
"I am the stone that the builder refused
I am the visual, the inspiration
That made Lady Sing the Blues...
I'm the spark that makes your idea bright
The same spark that lights the dark
So that you can know your left from your right...
I am the ballot in the box, the bullet in the gun
The innerglow that lets you know
To call your brother sun...
The story that just begun
The promise of what's to come
And I'm a remain a soldier 'til the war is won
This t.v. show Boondocks has me thinkin' a lot about race, I just finished reading, New England White, a murder intrigue mystery written by the famous law prof. Stephen Carter. In it there's talk of good black and bad, the one's who can succeed and those who for whatever reason remain a disgrace to the race. I've never been one to really delve into my thoughts about my people. Other than the elusive by semi-present thought that what I do in life, daily and overall will always be seen as a testament or detriment to what my people can accomplish. Watching this show which throws the word nigger around like nothing, referring to all and some of the darker nation has me thinking, how much do I/should I spend thinking about helping out my people. I mean I'm here in China, learning a language that has no connection to my roots, planning on pursuing a career that is widely seen as second nature to black people and I'm not really sure where I'm going with this but it's interesting.
Anyways, I'll have to think more about what I'm trying to say. till then enjoy the words
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