Body/Consciousness

I've never really been one to fret about my physique. I've always been pretty athletic, trim if not thin and filled out in places that I loved, but recently my body has put me at war with myself.

First things first: I HATE MY BREASTS

Never have they ever been too much of a problem for me. I mean yes, they are large, yes it hurts sometimes when I'm running or jumping or standing up straight for too long but all in all, I've liked them. They added a nice curve away from my former narrow waist and accentuated the curve of my shoulders nicely, the protrusion of my collar bones, but now, they're just an inconvenience, troublesome. Why, you might ask? Because they are objects of constant and intense scrutiny here. Yes, I understand that most women here don't have them but that does not give you license to stare and contrary to what some may say they are not constantly on display. I mean I do have boob days to give the ladies some air, but honestly if I'm wearing a long sleeved, high collared sweater, what the hell are you looking at?

Second: I can't stop eating yummy food, consequently my stomach is turning into a balloon, a.k.a. I look 2 months pregnant

Now, I know that since my youth, we're talking pre-boarding school days I haven't been at the top of my health or the height of my trimness, even so, I enjoyed the extra 20 or so pounds I gained those last two years of high school. I even learned to adjust to the 15 or so I put on that first year in college, but here in Macau my body seems to be mocking me by growing in size so slowly I can barely tell where it's going. Basically, I'm getting fat, but thanks to yoga it's like stretched out. I don't know if any of ya'll have ever read "On Beauty" by Zadie Smith, but I feel like Kiki Belsey all rounded out but flexible, soft, supple and in need of a diet and exercise plan. I keep trying honestly I do. I was running there for a month and it was under control but then my sports bra got stretched out and it hurt to run, yoga was working for awhile too because I would go early and get on the treadmill or the elliptical but they don't have my early morning classes anymore and I don't like running outside where there's lots of people or when they can see me because I'm ashamed I've gotten this large, thought I was through after London.

Alright, enough with the melodramatic stuff, really though, I need a workout buddy or something or a way not to be tempted by all the deliciousness wafting out of the bakeries on my street (bread is my enemy) and those tempting pictures of sweet and sour this and fried beef that. There are no salads here, or none close enough to me so I'll just have to make due and buy a new sports bra and take the rest of my time here to slough off what I've gained, it'll be something to keep my mind occupied, pull me away from thoughts of jobs and next fall, something to focus on. Yeah.

My body and I will be reconciled and I'll love it again, soon.